Kindle: Of Faith, Depression and Love of Him and Family

In His Name, The All Merciful, the All Forgiving
The Wadud, The Jabbar

For those whose loved ones
Struggle with depression, and their faith Oscillates

In the stillness of the night
The cold night, with patchy clouds
As the time for rest approached
Lingering thoughts, prayer, petition

When the head embraced the pillow
In the darkness of the room
He cried out His name from the heart
Did He even exist, he asked him-self
But, for a moment, it did not matter

What mattered was the invocation
Was on behalf of his loved ones
He knew that they held Him high
He knew that they were cognizant of Him
He knew that they had oriented to Him
He knew that they had set on a path and a journey
He knew that His attributes of perfection were raining down on them

His tears oscillated between several states
On the in-adequacy of invoking through their behalf
How could you, he asked him-self
A question put to him-self evoked a painful response
His heart kindled with shame, with the verse from the Quran
‘Mankind has been created in the best of creation,
Yet at the same time stoops to the lowest’
Ahhhh, the recitation of Sura at-Tin, the fig leaf
The lowest of the low he was
There was no doubt, he had no doubts
At this stage he could only look and gaze up and above

Choking with emotions, with teary eyes
With the pillow as his companion that silenced him
The other emotion, was that of pleading, to Him
It was strange, very strange
In one aspect, he believed that He existed
Only when he invoked on behalf of his beloveds
In the other aspect, he was doubtful
His faith was very weak
He doubted once again
And the doubt still lingers
When matters he thought of
Were related to his own self, his soul
He no longer cared for him-self

His pleadings were simple

O God, O Lord, I ask
I ask from You, not for my sake,
But for the sake of the one who love You
And Love you with an attentive heart
With an alert mind
With a polished soul
Grant them respite, grant them peace
Grant them a life of ease with him
Straighten their affairs, untie the knots

I know, O Lord, my words don’t mean much
There is a dichotomy in what I say and what I do
My Lord, this is not for me, this is for the loved ones
My love for them has transformed me
I see them through their words and deeds
That are to please You and You alone
Reminding me of You, a Loving God
But he has a difficult time holding on to this rope
Ya al-Wadud, Ya al-Jabbar

Forgive me O Lord,
Would you accept my love of them
As a token of my love for You?

Would you take all the good deeds I have
And bestow them to my loved ones

I don’t know of what other way to love You
To show an appreciation of you
To admit that there is a kernel of truth
Or a kernel, that would testify to my
Own acceptance of you, as a Sovereign Lord

My heart aches
When she is home with the children
My heart yearned yesterday to relieve her, to comfort them all
My heart ached yesterday
When his sufferings and struggles
Are a burden to her, and the children

I Lord, my soul is dark, my heart is weakened and my intellect
It has succumbed to depression
I just want to sit down in the ruins of a tavern
And be left in a state of ignonimity

Served as a reminder, of One who
Who is struggling with surrender
Who is struggling to surrender
Alas !!! even my age betrays me now
My health in a condition that belies matters
Of the self healing powers through the love
The Love of You O dear Lord

O dear Lord, this is for my loved ones
Make me not a source of grief and anxiety for them
Make me not a source of regret for them
Make me not … make me nothing

Let me not be ruined in the tavern of sadness
Brought about by separation
Separation from love
The love of them
The love of You through them
I have not recognized You
I have not recognized them

Alas ! madness prevails
I yet, hold onto You
I will hold onto You

Shukr Alhamdulillah Ya Rabbil Alamin
Ya Wadud, Ya Jabbar, Ya Rahman, Ya Rahim